Oh, and guess who’s back on Eastern Standard time a few weeks early? It’s 4 am and I’m watching good old Crockett and Tubbs solve yet another caper in pink loafers and white linen suits. These guys are unbelievable. And I’ve been going to bed too early to know this, but apparently the show is on every day from 3 to 5 am! I haven’t missed an episode since I discovered that on Wednesday.
I’m morally bankrupt enough to admit that among the things I miss here in Stockholm are bad reality shows. I especially miss you, Bravo, with your Millionaire Matchmaker and your 437 cities chock full of nut job Real Housewives. When so many of the bright shooting stars of reality TV have flickered and sputtered out too soon (yes, you, Shot at Love with Tila Tequila), your network has always been there to lobotomize me whenever I need a good drool.
Tomorrow marks eight weeks of reality detox, and as if explicitly to torture me, the Swedish television execs have scrambled to cast and shoot a new season of their own TV trash: Paradise Hotel. Why torture? Equal parts Bachelor Pad, MTV Spring Break and Dating in the Dark (confession: I’ve never actually seen that one but I have enough to go on from the title), Paradise Hotel is just about the stupidest and most wonderful possible programming that you could hope to find on one of your two functioning channels. And according to the promos that have been running every 11 seconds since I got here in August, it was scheduled to start this week! Yay, right? No! Not yay! Despite the English title, the whole show is in Swedish! I can’t understand a word they’re saying, and it turns out that reality TV is actually intolerable without the ridiculous sound bites. Go ahead, watch the clip. Behold how they’ve stolen all of the joy.
Day 25, and I’m feeling increasingly alienated by the commercials. Here’s the latest from those zany and ubiquitous redheads of OMG Cat fame (these women are everywhere, btw – you can’t run away, but you really want to)…
I’ve been thinking that a lot of these ads probably make more sense if you speak Swedish – that the dialogue and narration must help to shed some light on what exactly is happening here, and maybe nothing is unusual about these at all.
But then, I’ve been coming across more and more ads in English lately, and I’m still baffled. I ask you, what is going on with this voice over?
And this last one from the same company is just scary as shit. They play this on network television?? I really can’t watch this ever again. I’m just going to post it and walk away. Happy monkey nightmares tonight.
You know that terrifying nightmare that you’re walking through a dark, deserted supermarket with your toddler, just minding your own business and shopping for a decent marinade, when suddenly, without warning, the rows and rows of ketchup start to close in on you? And you can’t run, and they’re coming closer, and closer, and any second the aisles of tomato paste are going to eat you and your baby? Well the folks at this little Swedish grocery store chain know that dream exactly, and it looks to me like they’ve found a solution, too.
I only get two channels here, and one is entirely in Swedish, but I don’t even care because it’s worth it each and every time this commercial comes on…which is about every 11 minutes. I don’t know what they’re saying, or what they’re selling, but I want it.